What Husbands Can Do During Labor and Delivery

Many husbands walk into the delivery room unsure what they are supposed to do. Your wife is doing the hard work, the nurses and doctors know their jobs, and you may feel like a spectator.

You are not. Research on labor support shows that continuous, attentive support from a trusted person helps women feel more in control and more satisfied with the birth, and can make labor go more smoothly. You know your wife better than anyone else in the room. Your job is to protect her, comfort her, speak for her when she can’t, and pray for her.

Here is how to do that in each stage.

Before labor begins

The work starts weeks earlier.

• Learn the signs. Know when to call the doctor or midwife and when to head in. Many providers use the “5-1-1” guide for first labors: contractions about 5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute each, for at least 1 hour. Call right away if her water breaks, if there is bleeding, if the baby is moving less, or if she has severe pain, headache or vision changes.
• Know the plan. Read her birth plan until you know it by heart. You will be its keeper.
• Get the logistics done. Install the car seat, pack your own bag (see our hospital bag checklist), know the route and where to park, and keep the gas tank full.
• Take the class with her. A childbirth class teaches you comfort techniques you will actually use.

Early labor: be calm and keep things normal

Early labor can last many hours, especially with a first baby. Contractions are irregular and manageable. Most couples stay home for much of it.

What helps:

• Encourage her to rest or sleep between contractions if it is night, or to walk and stay lightly active if it is day.
• Keep her eating light meals and drinking water.
• Time contractions with an app, quietly. Don’t announce every one.
• Keep the house calm. Put on music, dim the lights, take a slow walk together.
• Pray together. Early labor is a good time for a decade of the Rosary, the evening prayers, or a psalm.

What to avoid: rushing to the hospital too early, inviting a crowd over, or letting your own nerves show. Your calm is contagious.

Active labor: be present and physical

When contractions are about 3 to 5 minutes apart, stronger and longer, she will need you close. This is when most couples go to the hospital or birth center, or call the midwife for a home birth.

Comfort measures to try:

• Counterpressure: press firmly with the heel of your hand on her lower back, or squeeze her hips together from both sides (the “double hip squeeze”). Ask where she wants it, and how hard.
• Massage: light strokes on her shoulders, arms or feet between contractions.
• Water: offer sips after every contraction. Hold the cup. Use a cool washcloth on her forehead and neck.
• Positions: help her change positions every 30 to 60 minutes. Support her as she leans on you, sways, kneels or sits on a birth ball.
• Breathing: breathe slowly with her when she loses her rhythm. Low, steady voice.
• Bathroom trips: remind her to empty her bladder every hour or so. A full bladder can slow labor.

Words that help: short and simple. “You’re doing it.” “That one’s done.” “Breathe with me.” “I’m right here.” Many women find it irritating to be asked questions during a contraction, so wait until it passes.

Transition: hold steady

Transition is the short, intense stretch just before pushing. Contractions come fast and hard. She may shake, feel sick, or say she can’t do it anymore. This is normal, and it often means the baby is close.

• Stay close. Look her in the eye.
• Tell her she is doing it, and that this is what the end looks like.
• Don’t take anything she says personally.
• Pray quietly for her: the Jesus Prayer or a simple “Lord, have mercy” are easy to repeat.

Pushing: be her coach and her anchor

• Hold one of her legs if she is pushing on her back, or support her in whatever position she is using.
• Count with the nurse, or quietly encourage her through each push.
• Tell her what you see. Many women find it powerful to hear “I can see the head.”
• Keep the cool cloth and water coming between pushes.

If plans change

Sometimes labor takes a turn: a long stall, an emergency, a cesarean. This is where you matter most.

• Ask questions calmly. “What is happening? What are the options? How much time do we have to decide?” A useful framework is to ask about the benefits, risks and alternatives, and what happens if you wait.
• Help her decide, then back her decision. Don’t overrule her, and don’t leave her to decide alone.
• Stay with her. In most hospitals, a husband can be in the operating room for a cesarean unless it is under general anesthesia.
• If the baby is in danger, remember the note in your birth plan about emergency baptism, and ask the staff to call your priest.

The first hour: welcome your child

Once your baby is born:

• Tell your wife she did it. Then tell her again.
• If you would like to, cut the cord.
• Protect the first hour of skin-to-skin contact and feeding. Ask visitors to wait.
• If the baby needs the nurses or the NICU, go with the baby, so your wife knows your child is never alone.
• Make the phone calls you agreed on, and let her rest.
• Pray a short prayer of thanksgiving together. Some fathers make the sign of the cross over the baby, or whisper a first prayer in the baby’s ear.

And afterward

Your work is not done once you get home. The first weeks are when your wife will lean on you most. Take time off if you possibly can. Protect her sleep, guard the door from too many visitors, take the night diaper changes, and watch for the warning signs of postpartum complications and depression. Our guide to the first forty days explains what to look for, for both of you.

You were never meant to be a spectator. You are her husband, and now a father. Be there.